Hope you are doing well! Welcome to our first activity. Please, post your comments before September19th, 2 p.m.!
1. Consider the brainstorming activity developed in class about the video "My shoes".
- Introduction: it usually offers something that changes / affects / motivates the characters of the story to overcome a situation.
- Body: it usually reveals how the characters move toward overcoming the situation.
- Conclusion: it has to do with facing one difficult choice and decides one correct option while working out of the situation.
3. Write a paragraph for each one of the parts mentioned above, giving your own ideas to tell your version of the story. It must have 150 words at least.
4. Prepare an oral report about it to be presented in the tutorial sessions (last week of September), you just will have 2 1/2 minutes and it is expected you to say 45 sentences at least.
- Simple sentence structures, consider past simple and past continuous.
4. Language use / writing aspects:
- Simple sentence structures, consider past simple and past continuous.
- Useful vocabulary you need to express your ideas.
- Grammar, spelling, punctuation rules, etc.
All your writings will be welcome as comments... Thanks for participating!
- Grammar, spelling, punctuation rules, etc.
All your writings will be welcome as comments... Thanks for participating!
It all started with a poor child, he was sitting in the park and he was looking around and suddenly he listened taunts. He saying nothing, He started to walk towards a bridge. Upon arrival, he began to think about how miserable his life was.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side of the park, appeared a boy that was sitting in the park bench, who also, dressed very well, then, the guy who was in the bridge walked over to the guy who was there. Once he arrived, he looked to the boy who was next. Specially the clothes that boy was wearing.
Sad and disappointed our poor child, He started walking again and stopped in a tree, he took off his broken shoes and put them in his hands and he started to talk himself and after that he wished with his heart this: “I want to be like him” “I want to be like him” “I want to be like him” he said.
His dream came true, but the reality was different, He was like him but when he tried to stand up, he couldn´t and the other guy was running and playing. After that, arrived a woman with a wheelchair who apologized for the delay.
Feedback:
DeleteLine 1
M: He saying nothing
C: he did not say anything
Line 5
M: our poor child, He started
C: our poor child started
Line 5
M: to talk himself
C: talk to himself
Line 5 - 6
M: after that he wished with his heart this: “I want to be like him” “I want to be like him” “I want to be like him” he said.
C: after that he wished with his heart this: “I want to be like him” “I want to be like him” “I want to be like him” His dream came true... (you have to keep going with the idea and do not cut it in the middle)
Line 7 - 8
M: arrived a woman
V: a woman arrived
a very good text but the ending was so short, i would like more information, like what happened after the woman arrived or something like that. But in genereal it was all right with some word that were strange to me. congratulations!
By: Camilo Hernández
It was a day like any other. I was sitting in a park while everyone else were having fun so I started to walk while I was avoiding their laughs, well, it was a park and there was laughs everywhere. It was so annoying.
ReplyDeleteI stopped in a bridge where I saw that the ducks were happier than me so I went to another spot in the park, I thought that I could scape from everything and everyone, but when I arrived to the new spot there was a child from my age. That kid was wearing beautiful clothes that I never would have, I was very jealous. I sat next to him while I was watching his perfect clothes. He gave me a silly smile, he was just trying to be nice but I did not care about so I went away to a tree that was close from there, i was alone again but I could not stop to think about him, his lucky being a rich boy, his perfect hair and beautiful clothes. I wanted to have his shoes, his hair, his life, I wanted to be him! so I repeated so hard and so many times that... Suddenly our bodies changed, it was quite weird but more than that I had what I wanted, his life!
Something strange was happening, he was jumping around in my body while he was screaming with euphoria, he was even happier than me, but who cares? Now I had everything that I wanted and it was better than being poor, but something was not right, when I tried to stand up I could not do it, there was a problem, i could not feel my legs, everything was so confusing but I understood it when I saw her, a beautiful woman was getting close to me bringing a wheelchair with her, in that moment everything was clear, I realized that I was wrong, he was worst than me and now everything is worst for me and I had to live knowing that I had everything and I lost it.
Camilo Hernández
Cod: 201410746
Feedback.
DeleteLine 3.
M: having fun so... C: Having fun, so...
Line 5.
M: There was C: There were
Line 8.
M: Than me so... C: Than me, so...
Line 14.
M: I never would have C: I would never have
Line 20.
M: i C: I ( The personal pronoun 'I' is always written with a capital letter in standard English. Lower-case 'i' is very common in texts, informal emails, etc., but is still considered incorrect elsewhere).
Line 21.
M: Stop to think C: Stop thinking
Line 22.
M: his lucky being a rich boy C: his luck of being a rich boy
Line 37.
M: i C: I (Again)
Thank you for your feedback! it was so helpful
DeleteNo problem, nice job!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis story is about a guy, let is supposehis name is Marco. He was sat down on a bench surrounded by a beautiful landscape, surrounded by nature, surrounded by people who were enjoying life, surrounded by life, but dispite all those wonderful things that were close to him, he was sad, he was a wretched guy. Maybe because of his clothes, becuase those were broken and old, or maybe because he was alone and unloved. For any reason he was sad and wandered in the park. He stopped in the middle of a bridge and stared at his reflection on the lake. In that time span, some thoughts came to his mind and before them consumed him, he walked again and, in his way, he met a guy like him, let is suppose his name is Orlando. Orlando was happy, well dressed and you could see life in his eyes.
ReplyDeleteFor a couple of seconds they stared each other and then, Marco ran away. He did not want to keep being in that place, close to a guy who hada ll that he wanted. Marco ran away and sat down next to a tree living a fantasy because, becuase he started to imagine how his life would be if he were like the other guy, Orlando. He wished to be like him, he wished to have his life.Children’s wishes are powerful and Marco’s wish was not the exeption. His fantasy became in a reality. Their souls exchanged of body and now those guys hada ll that they wanted but, why Orlando was happy if he had broken clothes, he was dirty and the society was not going to accept him because of what he is? Orlando was a poor guy who lived on the Street but anyway he was happy, why? Because he could run, walk and do all that he always wanted, to move every single part of his body. Marco became in a disabled guy who had cool clothes, cool shoes and a cool house.
Marco changed his wonderful life for something material whitout being conscious of what he had. He changed his life for a poor and unnecessary wish. He did not what happiness was, he did not know what life is about.
Gina Sandoval
Cod. 201511543
A little boy was very sad in the park because of his shoes which were too old like the child´s happiness.Some people made fun of him while he was watching his old shoes.The little boy walked until a small bridge and watched his ruin on the water reflection as the day passed.
ReplyDeleteWhile the feather of a bird was falling down the child sat under a huge tree.To increase his sadness, another child appeared in the park, but this was a very lucky child because he had clean clothes and new shoes.The poor child did not hesitate and while he was closing his eyes he wished to be the other child, only to have new shoes.
Finally, the wish was fulfilled by the universe and the two boys changed their bodies.The poor child got the shoes that he loved, but he could not walk, that body did not have that capacity.The other child got luckier because the beautiful shoes are useless if you can not walk the world with them.
Sergio Tarazona
I will write only suggestions: Some people. Suggestion: People made fun...
Deletewatched his ruin on the water reflection as the day passed. Suggestion: Watched his own reflection on the water as the day passed.
It was a hot day and I was sat down alone, in the half of a park, my broken shoes were a reason of jeer for other kids, I was not bearing any more this situation, so I got up and walked far from them, my appearance met reflected in the clear water of the river, I contemplated it for a moment and I continued my way. When I was going to sit down, I saw that there was someone on the banking and while I was sitting down I was looking the wonderful shoes that he was wearing and his impecable clothes, when I returned to the reality, I realized that that he had been looking at me and very nicely, he greeted me. I was surpised because someone wanted to say to me a word so I left the place and I sat down under the shadow's tree, while strongly I was desiring look like him.
ReplyDeleteI was shouting "I want to look like him", when suddenly, my dream came true. I was just where the boy had been sat, but I noticed something strange, while I was looking at him, how he ran, jumped and played, a women approached me with with a wheel chair and she made me a gesture of tenderness, so in that moment, I understood what I was happening, since that moment, I was looking like him, like a rich boy, with new shoes but I could not use them because I could not walk, I was a disable person.
Since that moment my life changed and I learnt that sometimes who shows off to have more, really does not have many things, and you have to value what you have and you must be careful with what you dream.
María Paula Rincón Silva
201511524
FEEDBACK
DeleteLINE 1: M: jeer: this word does not exist in english.
LINE 2: M: my appearance met reflected C: my appearance reflected
LINE 3: M: there was someone on the banking and while I was C: there was someone on the banking, and while I was
M: I was looking the wonderful shoes C: I was looking at the wonderful shoes
LINE 4: M: I realized that that he had C: I realized that he had
M: say to me a word so I left the place C: say to me a word, so I left the place
LINE 5: M: shadow's tree C: tree´s shadow
LINE 6: M: I was just where the boy had been sat C: I was just where the boy had sat,
LINE 7: M: a women approached me with with a wheel chair C: a women approached me with a wheel chair
LINE 8: M: happening, since that moment C: happening. Since that moment
M: with new shoes but I could not use them C: with new shoes, but I could not use them
M: I could not walk, I was a disable person. C: I could not walk. I was a disable person.
=D by: Jessica Barrera
Jeer: it means "burla".
DeleteThank you! :)
I would like to tell you how I ended here, because I don't want you to have the same luck as me. The story started when I was child, my family wasn't rich, actually we were really poor. My parents didn't have money to buy some new shoes to me. For that reason I was unhappy, And I know it's kinda silly because when other children didn't have food, all I wanted was a new pair. It was selfish, I was selfish and I didn't care.
ReplyDeleteOnce, while my parents were making the dinner, I went to the park. I was wishing through all my way that I could finally have a nice day but everyone was laughing at me when I sat down. I could not resist it anymore so I ran until the bridge. When I arrived, I looked at the water and thought that even the ducks were happier that me. How could that be possible? Was it my imagination or was it real? Honestly, nowadays I still don't know. I just know that everything I did was running into that big tree. The only thing that I wished more than new shoes? Friends...
So I took off my broken shoes and put them on my hands while I was trying to simulate that were puppets. I can say that l was happy when something interrupted me. It was a laugh that it came from the seat where I was before. The boy was sitting there with his new pair shoes, I've hate him since that moment, although he didn't do anything to me. He could not be more happier, I wanted to be like him so I started to say while I was closing my eyes: "I wish I was him" "I wish I had his life". To be honest I still wonder what happened that day and how many times I did repeat that, because what became after that just couldn't be of this world: I open my eyes and I just was looking at a new pair of shoes.
It was magic, or at least that was what I thought until I saw that the boy was yelling: "I can walk now, look, I'm walking". Why was he saying that? I knew a second after, when a woman with a wheelchair walked straight to me and said: "Are you ready to come home?". I was an invalid that now had a new pair of shoes. I know nothing makes sense but you have to trust in my story. I didn't appreciate what I had and I wished I was someone just because his shoes. So now, I tell you to look at the little things, because there's where the riches is.
Sofía Molano.
201511502
Line #5 M: happier that me. C: happier than me.
DeleteLine #9 M: pair shoes. C: pair of shoes.
Line #11 M: I open my eyes and I just was looking. C: I opened my eyes and I was just looking.
Nice moral.
The video was about a poor child, he was walking across a nature reserve with a sad and bored look and hearing mocking laughs around him.
ReplyDeleteHe sat down, near to a good looking child, and the poor child watched him and his pretty clothes, like comparing, because the poor child was wearing torn shoes and dirty clothes, while the another one was wearing clean clothes and pretty shoes. The good looking child greeted him with his hand, but the poor child went away from him, and he sat down near to a tree, asking for being like the good looking child. He wished it one and another time, and his wish came true.
But it was not like he thought... who before was a good looking child, now was a poor child, and the old poor child, now was the good looking child who was sat in the bank. The new poor child was very very happy, and he was jumping of happiness, because before he could not walk, and now he was jumping, running, and screaming because now he would do it. But it was not happening with the new good looking child, because a woman arrived with a wheelchair to pick him up to go. He realized that now he could not walk anymore, and now he regretted for being so fool, and for wishing things that were quite unnecessary.
Neiris Terraza Navarro
Cod: 201421260
...I was in a park, there was this horrible noise, laughs, they were like painful stinks in my ears,I could not take it anymore so I started to walk away; I was sorrounded by trees, their leafs were so bright and it seemed like they were talking to me. Then I got on a bridge, the water under it seemed to be a mirror and there I was, with my wasted clothes, my dirty hair and my broken shoes; in that moment I understood their laughs, I was so ashamed that I could not look my reflect anymore.
ReplyDeleteI decided to keep walking and suddenly, I saw a kid, I think he was the same age as I am, his clothes were so perfect, his hair was so clean and his shoes, oh man...his shoes were a dream. He tried to be nice to me, he said hi but I was so angry and ashamed that I left without saying goodbye. I sat next to a tree, it was just a few steps from there but I wanted to be alone, I started to think how happy I could be if I was himy; I closed my eyes and when I opened them my shoes, my clothes and my hair were perfect.
Then I saw the other kid, he was screaming and jumping of happiness...but why was he happy?
Unfortunately, I realized why. I could not walk, I freaked out, I wanted my life backnow. Seconds later and old woman came and she took me, then she put me in a wheelchair, I cried and screamed until I woke up; It was just a dream. Since that moment I realized that I could not take anything for granted and my broken shoes became in my most precious thing.
Camila García
201510773
A little boy was on a chair moving his legs, he looked like a poor boy, his hair was disheveled, his shirt disaligned, his pants and shoes old and broken; he was very sad and angry at himself; to him, his life was insignificant, so that, he stood up and went to a small bridge; when he was on it, looked down as if he wanted to finish his life.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side of the park he saw a boy well-dressed who looked very happy and calm; so, he moved closer to him; and saw from head to feet, his shoes were new and nice like his clothes; undoubtedly he wanted to be like him, because his life seemed to be perfect; a few seconds later, hopefully closed his eyes and wished to become like him; when he opened his eyes he was not himself, suddenly he had become the well-dressed boy and the another one become poor boy; he was very happy, now his life would be perfect; but the another one boy seemed to be happier than him, this one ran and jumped pleasingly; his happiness lasted a few minutes when a Mrs approached to him with a wheelchair and told him that it was time to get back home, then, he realized he could not move his legs, his face quickly got sad and tried to wish to become himself again, but unfortunately, he could not.
Sometimes we get worried about getting insignificant things, forgetting what it is really important in our lives; and we do not value what have but whether we desire what another one has.
FEEDBACK:::::
DeleteLINE 1:
-MISTAKE 1: A little boy was on a chair -> CORRECTION: A little boy was sitting on a chair (Past continuous)
-MISTAKE 2: his hair was disheveled.. -> CORRECTION: You have to write more about the physical appearance because the semantics is confusing (there's a lack of vocabulary. It's to emphasize): poor boy: his hair was disheveled, his face grimy face
grubby shirt
-MISTAKE 3: Please! It's a common mistake use the adjectives with the wrong noun: shirt disaligned
-> CORRECTION: his shirt was sloppy
---Mistake 4: his pants and shoes were old and broken
---> CORRECTION: his pants and shoes were old and torn
LINE 2:
-Mistake 4: he was very sad and angry at himself
-> CORRECTION: he was very sad and angry to/with himself
-Mistake 5: so that, (connectors)
-> CORRECTION: therefore/thus
-Mistake 6: as if he wanted to finish his life. (semantics)
-> CORRECTION: as if he was going to kill himself.
LINE 3:
-Mistake 7: On the other side of the park he saw (Please! check the punctuation: http://www.apu.edu/live_data/files/288/basic_punctuation_rules.pdf
https://englizz.wordpress.com/2012/06/28/punctuation-differences-between-english-and-spanish/)
-> CORRECTION: On the other side of the park, he saw...
-Mistake 8: so, he moved (connectors. Please! increase your vocabulary. It's so important for your learning process)
-> CORRECTION: consequently, he moved
-Mistake 9: to him; and saw (punctuation)
-> CORRECTION: to him and saw
LINE 4:
-Mistake 10: undoubtedly he wanted
-> CORRECTION: undoubtedly, he wanted
-Mistake 11: hopefully closed
-> CORRECTION: hopefully, he closed.
LINE 5:
-Mistake 12: himself, suddenly (punctuation)
-> CORRECTION:himself. Suddenly
-Mistake 13: he had become the well-dressed (Please! check the tenses you are using)
-> CORRECTION: he became the well-dressed
-Mistake 14: and the another one become poor boy (coherence-cohesion)
-> CORRECTION: and the other become the poor one
ADVICE: Please! Check the DRAFTING. Some facts are not correctly organised according to the sequence of the story.
This story began when a little, depressed and poor boy was seated in the middle of a park while people were laughing. So he stood up of the seat and walked to the bridge.
ReplyDeleteThe boy was walking in the park when he saw another seat with another boy there, but this boy was very well dressed, he obviously was a rich boy. Both sat down while they were watching each other.The rich boy was trying to say hello to the poor boy when he stood up and went there. He sat down near a tree while he was thinking his situation. Then he took off his ripped shoes and he started to play like if they were puppets. After this sad boy closed his eyes and said several times "I want to be like him" while he was wishing for something.
Suddendly in that moment these children had changed of lives, the poor boy was very thrilled running for the park while the rich boy was surpresed for having new clothes and shoes. But what happened ?
The rich boy realized he could not move his legs, while a woman was arriving with a wheelchair for him.
"Careful What You Wish For"
NOTHING IS PERFECT
ReplyDeleteHe was there sitting in the park just like any other day, moving his little feet inside those broken shoes that everyone always laughed at. He decided to take a walk around when he saw a little bridge and under it, his favorite thing in the world, the water... clear like always, he tried not to think too much about the sad look staring back at him. Then, from there he saw a kid, they had the same age, they looked almost the same except for his clothes that were clean and his shoes, brand new. He reached towards him, sat down and looked close to those expensive shoes. The kid smiled but he didn't smile back, he got up and left thinking about how much he wanted a pair like that. He was thinking to much that day and only bad things happen when you do that. Suddenly and just like destiny he saw a tree, but not any tree, his favorite because it had the right shadow to keep him warm and cold at the same time.
It was a long walk from home so he leaned against the tree and took of his broken shoes, he was making them talk to each other through the holes like puppets, he had never had toys so he knew very well that you can play with pretty much everything when a thought came to his mind, he closed his eyes, he wanted to be like him, he wished to be him... He wished so hard that when he opened his eyes he was him.
He woke up in a body that wasn't his own. HE WAS THE KID! He felt happy, so so happy and he just couldn't believe it. A friendly lady walk straight to him, she was pushing a wheelchair, she smiled and apologized for being late and suddenly everything made sense. He touched his legs and tried to move them but couldn't... In the distance he heard someone cheering and jumping around, it was his old body but somebody else was on it.
Camila Palacios
COD : 201511556
IN OTHER SHOES
ReplyDeleteOne day at the park there was a boy sitting alone feeling sad about his shoes and listening to all the voices in his head laughing at him, he was so tires of it and he decided to run to a bridge. When he was there, he was wishing to be dead but then he had a future vision where he saw an elegant boy sitting in the park wearing beautiful shoes. He felt so sad and run away till he sat close to a tree where he started to talk to himself, wandering why, then he wished to be that guy and when he opened his eyes he was on the other guy´s shoes and he was so happy to have those beautiful shoes until his mom came with a wheelchair to help him and he saw the other guy in his old and broken shoes running happily around the park.
Reflection: we cannot assume that someone is happy or has a perfect life just by seeing what they have or how they look like, sometimes we are not able to see the struggles that people are facing and going through every day until we are ¨ on their own shoes¨.
Code: 201513374
4th line M: tires C: tired
Delete6th line M: future vision C: a vision of the future, a vision of his future
8th line M: run away C: ran away
10th line M: wandering C:wondering
22nd line M: on their own shoes C: on their shoes
THanks you so much, Cami.
Delete:)
Your welcome honey, loved your story <3
DeleteJessica Barrera
ReplyDeleteCode: 201514560
Martin was rocking his feet while he was seeing the park, he wore a white and dirty t-shirt, ripped black pants and broken white shoes; his hair was ruffled and his face did not seem happy, he was sad. Children laughed in the park when our dear Martin stood up and started to walk across the park.
A bird flew, so, Charlie appeared in the scene, he was enjoying the landscape. Charlie wore good clothing: blue shirt, brown pants and beautiful shoes; he seemed to have lucky. When Martin was closing him, Charlie greeted with a smile in his face, but Martin was not nice.
Martin walked until a tree, then he sat down in the grass while he was taking off his broken shoes and he started to play with them like a famous master of puppets. Suddenly, he pronounced:
-¡I want to be like him!
He closed his eyes while he was repeating these words with intensity.
When he opened his eyes, he was happy for a moment, Martin thought to have Charlie's life, thought to have everything. But, he did not know that a woman closed him with a wheel chair, he could not move his legs.
Now, Charlie was inside Martin's body and he was enjoying and running like a mad boy because he had the most important in the life.
The end is good and bad: a boy had oportunity to walk and another one had a life lesson.
4th line M: Martin was closing him C: Martin was closing to him
Delete4th line M: Charlie greeted with C: Charlie greeted him with
5th line M: in the grass C: on the grass
9th line M: thought to have C: he thought to have
9th line M: he did not know that a woman closed him C: he did not know about the woman who closed to him
11th line M: mad C: deranged (mad is an informal word, deranged or insane could work)
12th line M: he was enjoying C: he was enjoying life, or maybe, he was enjoying the moment
12th line M: the most important C: the most important thing
12th line M: in the life C: in life
13th line M: a boy had oportunity C: a boy had the opportunity
13th line M: another one C: the another one
In other shoes …
ReplyDeleteIn our life every time we want a lot of things that we do not possess, people think that money and expensive things give us happiness but if we have health we can get a lot of money with ours hands.
Now I have a story about importance of the money…
In a park was a child sitting. Child hears voices laughing and starts walking toward a bridge. The water ran like his ideas.
In other part of the park was other guy. This guy has a good appearance, he has beautiful clothes. The poor child goes to other part of the park near to the guy that has beautiful clothes while the child sat on the grass, he had his broken shoes and with this situation the poor child does a puppet show with her shoes.
While the child does the puppet show The child wished with all his being the change of his life.
The poor child wanted to have a lot of things… in a magical glow the two boys changed their life…
When the poor child realize the dream of having another child's life
the poor boy realized that his legs would not move and would have to use a wheelchair .. on the other hand the rich kid was happy because he could move again. While the rich kid jumped up everywhere, the poor boy facing his new wealth
There are so poor people who only have money ... happiness is not in objects but at times.
christiam puentes 201320080
FEEDBACK
DeleteLine 1: M: People think that money... C: People think money...
Line 2: M: ours hands. C: our hands (Maybe you confused the possessive adjectives and the possessive pronouns)
Line 4: M: Child... C: The child/ This child
M: hears... C: heard (you started the story in past, you have to continue in the same time)
M: starts... C: started...
Line 5: Mx2: other part... C: another part... (another + singular nonspecific countable noun and other + plural or uncountable nonspecific noun)
M: This guy has... C: This guy had...
M: he has beautiful clothes... C: He had beautiful clothes...
M: The poor child goes... C: The poor child went...
M: the guy that has beautiful ... C: the guy that had beautiful...
Line 6: M: the poor child does a puppet show... C: the poor child did a puppet show
M: with her shoes. C: with his shoes. (her->she and his->he)
Line 7: M: While the child does the puppet show... C: While the child did the puppet show... (past)
Line 8: M: the two boys changed their life... C: the two boys changed their lives...
Line 9: M: the poor child realize the dream... C: the poor child realized the dream...
Line 10: M: and would have to use a wheelchair... C: and he would have to use a wheelchair...
Line 11: M: the poor boy facing his new wealth... C: the poor boy was facing his new wealth...
Line 12: M: happiness is not in objects but at times. C: happiness is not in objects but yes in moments? (maybe it was the idea)
Check it please, good job and nice story.
Sorry, I forgot two things aside from the past tense in the...
DeleteLine 9: M: dream C: wish
M: realize is "darse cuenta de" C: maybe did you mean "his wish came true"
There was a lonely boy sitting in a park bench while other children were laughing, he looked in a bad mood due to his life condition, he was wearing old dirty clothes, he was not fine at all.
ReplyDeleteThe boy started walking away from the bench and stopped in a small bridge then he stared at the water for a moment and continued his walking. He went back to the bench and found another boy there who on the contrary seemed happy he sat but as he felt envy he went to sit next to a tree that was near and started using his shoes like if they were puppets while he was pouting about his situation. The other boy was neat and well dressed so deeply he wished to be like him.
His wish became true, he was dressed like the the other boy and thought that everything was good but for his surprise he was not able to walk any more while the other boy was running very happy around the same tree he was sitting and finally to seal his short happiness a lady came with a wheelchair for him.
Juan Pablo Sánchez
201511851
Line 1
DeleteM: ...in a park bench while other... C: ...in a park's bench, while other children...
M: Old dirty clothes. C: Old and dirty clothes.
Line 3
M: Stopped in a small bridge then he stared... C: Stopped in a small bridge, then he stared...
Line 4
M: Found another boy there who on the contrary he sat but as he ... C: Found another boy there, who on the contrary; he sat but as he...
M: A tree that was near and started using... C: A tree that was near and he started using...
Line 6
M: everything was good but for his surpise... C: everything was good, but for his surprise...
M: he was not able to walk any more while the other boy... C: he was no able to walk anymore, while the other boy...
Line 7
M: around the same tree he was sitting. C: around the same tree, he was sat.
M: his short happiness a lady came. C: his short happiness, a lady came.
I am sorry if I had some mistakes.
JUST A CHOICE
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, there was a boy named Sam Weasley who was not happy about his life. One day, he was sitting on a bank while some people were laughing at him due to his torn clothes (a normal fact on his daily life). Therefore, Sam ran away of that place and stopped in a bridge where he looked at his reflex on a little river and thought:
-Oh, that’s just me... I do not understand, Why don't i fit in this world?-
Suddenly, he went to a bank and while he was encouraging himself. One well-dressed, fancy, elegant and clean-cut boy glanced at him and with a tender smile accepted him as a good fellow. However, Sam got out of that place when he realized about his wealth, and he said to himself:
-He must have a lot of money, his clothes are tiny clue of this fortune.-
-Oh my fairy godmother, please, I want to be like him.-
That day was his birthday and consequently, his dream came true (after a long time thinking about it). Once he realized he was in good shape, he tried to go to celebrate but something did not work:
-What's wrong with me... Why can't i move my legs?-
Unexpectedly, his mom brought him the wheels chair to go back home. He was destroy by his disability status, while the boy who took his place was running completely happy because of a miracle that was a choice of someone who did not care about the importance of loving, appreciating and enjoying life
BY:
EDGAR RIVERA
UPTC
2016
Feedback:
ReplyDeleteLine 1
Mistake: start to walking around CORRECTION: start to walk around (you cannot use to + verb with ing)
Line 3
Mistake: expensive sneakers to the other boy CORRECTION: expensive sneakers from the other boy (FROM)
Mistake: the poor child ran and was sitting beside a tree looking his broken shoes CORRECTION: the poor child ran and SAT beside a tree looking AT his broken shoes (you were using past simple so you cannot change it to past continuous in this way) (Looking goes with ‘’at’’)
Line 4
Mistake: his shoes and his poor wearing CORRECTION: wearing (I think this word is not correct for the context).
Line 5
Mistake: he has a nice hair CORRECTION: he had a nice person (Do not use verbs in present when you are talking about the past)
Mistake: he has wonderful sneakers CORRECTION: He had wonderful sneakers. (Past simple)
Mistake: But this was not mattering CORRECTION: But didn’t matter (I think it is better if you use past
Simple here)
Line 7:
Mistake: because this is our life and very person CORECTION: because this is our life and EVERY person (I think you meant ‘’every’’)
Mistake: has his own way and his own time. CORRECTION: person has his (Use ‘’his/her’’ because you are not talking only about a man) own way and his (same as the previous one) own time.
Good job :)
FEEDBACK
ReplyDeleteLine 2: M: in a bridge C: on a bridge
line 3: M: Why don't i fit in this world? C: Why don't I fit in this world?
line 5: M: good fellow C: friend ( the word "good fellow" is not suitable in that context.
line 5: M: Sam got out of that place... C: Sam went out of that place
line 6: M: he must have a lot of money C: He has a lot of money; because "must" is a modal verbs used to indicate an obligation, prohibition or need.
line 6: M: his clothes are tiny clue of this fortune C: his clothes are a tiny clue of his fortune
line 10: M: Why can't i move my legs? C: Why can't I move my legs?
line 11: M: Wheels chair C: Wheel chair
line 11: M: He was destroy by his disability status C: he was emotionally DESTROYED by his disability (passive voice)
line 11: M: disability status C: disability (It is not necessary to put "disability status" (Redundancy)
Good job Edgar! ;)
FEEDBACK
ReplyDeleteLine 1: M:2nd then C:in that moment
line2: M: the boy c:other boy
line 5: M:like he wanted c:what he wanted
M: with that C:that
Line8: M: then c:but